


Confession

by clgfanfic



Category: Soldier of Fortune Inc.
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-12
Updated: 2012-11-12
Packaged: 2017-11-18 11:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/560707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clgfanfic/pseuds/clgfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A missing scene from the episode "Tethered Goat."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confession

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the zine Good to Go #2 with Mary Fallon Zane.

          It was over.  Billy was home safe, and Benny Ray had made his apologies to Matt, who really did understand the man's over-reaction as well as he needed to.   Things felt like they were once again back to normal, or whatever it was that passed for "normal" around the Silver Star.

          Margo watched the sniper, working on his Big Dog, and sighed.  There was only one more thing left to be done.  He had promised to tell her the story behind him and LuAnn and Billy when she'd gone after him after he'd drawn down on Matt and she intended to make him keep that promise.  Benny Ray kept so much bottled up inside.  It was time he shared at least this one story with someone.

          She walked up and stood next to him.  "Morning."

          "Mornin'," he replied, continuing his work.

          Margo reached out and took Benny Ray by the arm.  "Come on.  You promised me an explanation, remember?"  He started to protest, but she refused to hear it, dragging him to his feet and leading him toward the nearly empty beach, saying, "I know you're a man of your word, Benny Ray."  She heard him sigh heavily.  "Right?" she asked.

          "Yeah," he said, his tone defeated.

          She lead him to the fishing pier, away from the few early-morning sunbathers.  The sniper sat down first, his back pressed against one of the wood pylons.  He waited until Margo sat down across from him, then picked up a discarded water bottle and turned it over in his hands, saying, "This is a kinda long story."

          "I've got the time," she replied.

          Benny Ray took a deep breath, sighed, stared out at the surf and finally began speaking.  "I met Mary Ellen after she and her family moved to Alabama the summer before the start of our sophomore year in high school.  They came into the hardware store where I was workin'.  When school started that year, I was in most of her classes… we hit it right off," he said, his expression wistful.  "By Christmas-time we were… an item."

          Margo smiled thoughtfully.  She could easily image a moonstruck fifteen or sixteen-year-old Benny Ray Riddle.  She also knew the sniper wasn't used to talking like this, so she let the silence stretch out for several minutes before she asked, "Let me guess:  you two planned to get married after you graduated?"

          He nodded.  "Yeah, by the start of our junior year we were talkin' pretty serious about it."

          There was another silence, but before she could ask a question to spur him on, he continued on his own, saying, "But then things started gettin' a little rocky."

          "Rocky?"

          Benny Ray sighed softly as he blushed.  Stirring his fingers in the hand, he said, "I figured if we were gonna get married, we could, well, you know."

          "Share some intimacy?" Margo suggested tactfully.

          Benny Ray shot her a grin.  "You do have a way with words."

          "Thank you," Margo replied, smiling.

          He went back to digging his fingers into the sand.  "Mary Ellen said no.  She wanted us to wait 'til we got married.  I didn't want to wait.  She got mad.  I got mad…"  He shook his head.  "Anyway, there was this other girl…  LuAnn.  We'd been… friends, I guess… since grade school.  I knew she liked me – always had – so I started seein' her… but it wasn't the same."

          Margo nodded.  "You were hoping that Mary Ellen might change her mind to get you back?"

          Benny Ray blushed a deeper shade of red.  "Sounds like I was a real ass, don't it?  And I guess I was…  Yeah, that's what I was hopin'.  But it didn't work.  Mary Ellen said we wait or it's off.  I told LuAnn what we were fightin' about and she was… willin'."

          "And Billy was the result?" Margo asked.

          Benny Ray nodded and sighed heavily.  "Talk about screwing things up…  When LuAnn told me she was pregnant, I went to Mary Ellen.  I told her I loved her, but LuAnn was gonna have a baby and I had t' marry her.  Mary Ellen cried, I cried, and then LuAnn and I eloped."

          "That must've been hard," she said softly.  She knew Benny Ray was an honorable man, and it appeared he always had been.

          "Hard, yeah, but what else could I do?  The problem was, LuAnn came from money.  Her parents didn't like me, or anyone else they thought was white trash.  When they found out we'd been married, they found us and they took her home.  Her daddy had the marriage annulled.  LuAnn waited until that was done before she told him she was gonna have a baby.  He hit the ceiling."

          Margo shook her head.  "That must've been quite a scene."

          Benny Ray shrugged.  "I wouldn't know.  They wouldn't let me see her.  They packed up and headed to South Carolina.  They had a beach house there.  She had the baby – Billy… William Lee Riddle.  They tried to talk her into giving it up for adoption, but she wouldn't do it."

          "Why?" Margo asked.  "If you don't mind me asking."

          Benny Ray thought a moment.  "You know, I did a lot of thinkin' about that.  At first I thought it was because she really loved me, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew that wasn't it."  He took another deep breath and beat the empty bottle against his knee.  "LuAnn was always a rebel.  She pushed the envelope every way she could.  She had the baby, and she kept Billy, because it made her parents uncomfortable."

          "He seems like a nice kid.  He turned out okay."

          Benny Ray nodded.  "I gotta give her credit," he said quietly, "her parents have never had a good word to say 'bout me, but she's always made him understand that he had a daddy who loved him.  And I do love 'im, but I never had much of a chance to be part of his life."

          Margo nodded.  She understood how their jobs would get in the way of family.  "But that changed when she moved out here?" she asked.

          The sniper snorted.  "She heard from mutual friends about Mary Ellen movin' t' Seattle.  I'm willin' to bet that she thought this might be another chance for us to get together.  But we don't have much in common… except Billy.  And we don't go about raisin' kids the same way."

          Margo waited, and when it appeared that he was finished talking, she asked, "It's been hard on you, hasn't it?  Mary Ellen moving and taking the kids with her."

          Benny Ray nodded.  "I loved Mary Ellen so much in high school it made me ache.  We worked things out in our senior year…"

          Margo smiled just slightly as she asked, "You waited, didn't you?"

          He nodded.  "We graduated in early June, got married at the end of the month and in July I entered the Corp."

          "Some honeymoon," Margo teased.

          "Who had money for a honeymoon?  I spent every dollar I had so we could spend a couple of nights in a fancy hotel before I had to catch the bus to Paris Island."  He grinned.  "But we think that's when she got pregnant with Ben."

          Margo grinned back, then asked, "What happened between you and Mary Ellen?  It sounds like you were… good together."

          "We were.  For a while," Benny Ray said.  "I guess it comes down t' time.  I was gone on a lot of deployments… and I volunteered for a lot of special training.  That left her at home, alone, with the kids.  She got bored after a couple of years, and hell, I can't say I blame her.  She started takin' classes at the local community college, then she got into a real college, and got herself a degree in social work.

"And to be honest, by that time we needed the second income.  She just kept on takin' classes, got a masters degree in Sociology, then got her doctorate.  And I was gone for all of it.

"Every time I did come home I'd see how we'd grown a little farther apart.  After a while it was like we didn't really know each other any more.  She had new friends – smart people, people who knew about things I never heard of…"

          "The job… it's a killer when it comes to relationships."

          He nodded.  "We always stayed friends, but we weren't in love.  We stayed together for the kids, but that can only carry ya so far.  She was meeting other men…"

          Margo's eyes rounded slightly.  "She was unfaithful?"

          He shook his head.  "No.  When I was kicked out, I thought I had a chance to make things right, but…"

She waited.  "What?"

"She was so happy for a while.  But it was drivin' me crazy.  I was so damned bored.  When Matt showed up that day, it was like God had answered my prayers.  But when I told Mary Ellen, well, let's just say it wasn't very pretty.  She said I gave up the job or I gave up her and the kids."

"That wasn't really fair," Margo said, feeling a flare of anger in her belly.

"I guess," Benny Ray said.  "She said she wanted to try a separation.  She said he wanted to date other men – normal men who didn't want to get themselves killed in a blaze of glory, I think she put it."

          "Did you date other women?" Margo ask, already knowing the answer.

          "Nope."

          "But she did?"

          He grinned.  "She didn't date other women, but yeah, she dated – some guy she'd met at school."

          "And that's the man she married?"

          He nodded.  "The kids like him, so I guess he ain't all bad."

          "I'm just sorry her job took her to Seattle.  I know you miss the kids.  So do I," she admitted.

          "Yeah, but at least it's not all the way across the country."

          "Good point."  Margo leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.

          "Throwin' in with the Major was the last straw.  She was sure I'd get myself killed on an op, and she didn't want the kids growin' up without a daddy… but now they've got a new daddy."

          "You'll always be their father, Benny Ray.  They know that."

          He glanced out at the breaking surf.  "I guess.  I just never had the chance to be there for them full time.  I wanted to, but…"

          "But the times you were there, you did your best.  They'll know that.  Kids are pretty smart, especially these days."

          "I hope so.  I do love 'em, all four of 'em.  Hell, Billy and LuAnn stayed in Georgia.  I only saw him every couple of years…"

          "Do Ben, Peter and Katie know they have a half-brother?"

          Benny Ray shook his head.  "Mary Ellen knew when I dropped by to see Billy, but we just didn't talk about it.  We agreed right after Ben was born that we'd tell 'em about Billy, but it just never seemed like a good time.  And LuAnn wasn't interested in meetin' Mary Ellen and the kids…"

          "Ouch."

          "Yeah.  I told Billy about 'em when he and his mom moved out here, and I told Mary Ellen that I told him.  She said she'd break the news to the kids, but I ain't gonna hold my breath."

          "Do you think this will sour things between you and LuAnn?"

          "Hope not.  I want to be part of my son's life, but I ain't so sure he's gonna want be part of mine once he gets a chance to really think about what happened."

          "I wouldn't worry too much," Margo said.  "He seems an awful lot like you.  I think he'll understand."

          The sniper shrugged, too afraid to hope.  "Course LuAnn might decide it'd be safer to take him back to Atlanta, too."

          "Maybe," Margo said.  "What would you do if she did?"

          "Nothin'," he replied.  "She's his mama.  He hardly knows me."

          Margo leaned forward and squeezed his leg.  "Well, let's not borrow trouble.  Deal with that _if_ it happens."

          Benny Ray looked up, meeting her gaze.  "I just want my kids to be happy and safe.  That's all.  I just want them to know that I love 'em."

          She smiled.  "I know they know that, Benny Ray; they couldn't _not_ know that.  And I also know that their happiness rests, in part, on you being in their lives."

          "I try," he said.  "I truly do, but there's a good chance I won't be there to see 'em grown up."

          "Then you do the best with what you have.  They'll remember that."

          "Billy's gonna remember this, too."

          She nodded.  "Yes, he will.  But he'll remember how you came for him, too."

          He looked back to the empty bottle in his hands.  "I guess there's just some times I feel like I've wasted my life."

          "That's bull," she countered.  "Benny Ray, you're an operator.  It's who you are.  It's who Matt is.  It's who I am.  We can't change that.  We do what we do and we do it well, and we hope we make a positive difference.  Just because you're not a perfect father doesn't mean you're not a good father.  Don't ever forget that.  I know your kids love you, and I know your ex-wives care about you, too.  If they didn't, those kids would be poisoned against you, and they're not.  Give LuAnn a chance to cool off.  She'll come around."

          He nodded, pushing himself to his feet.  He held out his hand and Margo took it, letting him help pull her to her feet.  When she was standing, he reached out and pulled her into a hug.  "Thanks."

          "You're welcome," she replied, giving him a hard squeeze.  _LuAnn better come around… or I'll rip her face off._

          They stepped apart and headed back to the Silver Star, walking side by side.  Benny Ray dropped the empty bottle into one of the many trash cans scattered along the beach.

          "You hungry?" Margo asked as they reached the building.

          He nodded.  "I could eat."

          She smiled.  "Good.  Let's get Matt and go get something.  My treat."

          He grinned back.  "Your treat?"

          She nodded. 

          "Well, then, how could I say no?"

 


End file.
